You know, if I would have killed my wife the first time I thought about it, I’d be out by now.
On a mug from $18
The Smile Vault
All the comics.
None of the hashtag walls.
Laugh first. If it sticks, take it home on a mug.
Recovery comics
When it comes to Step 3, let’s be honest. I am perfectly willing to accept God’s will for my life as long as it aligns to the shit I want.
On a mug from $18
How do you like the hat I just bought for the self-pity party I’m hosting later tonight?
On a mug from $18
It’s a very simple program. You basically surrender control, admit your self-centeredness, accept that whatever bad stuff that happens is really for your higher good, forgive the people who screwed you and… wait a minute… what the fuck have I joined?
On a mug from $18
I don’t need a recipe for disaster… I usually just eyeball it.
On a mug from $18
Might I suggest we adopt a new recovery mantra: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing!
On a mug from $18
I don’t know if it’s supposed to work this way, but I take a lot of strength from your shares because you’re really just so pathetic, so thank you.
On a mug from $18
After hearing Mike speak, Timothy realized he needed to up his platitude game.
On a mug from $18
Jenn suddenly realizes “Bring your mom to a meeting day” was a pretty good idea in theory but a pretty bad idea in practice.
On a mug from $18
Cade was told take what you need and leave the rest. And Cade needed two folding chairs.
On a mug from $18
Upon reflection, I guess I should have known I was heading down the path of addiction when I named my cat Nipples.
On a mug from $18
Napoleon greatly struggles with the idea that he is but a trusted servant who does not govern.
On a mug from $18
My manager Zork is not gonna believe it but my report is clearly going to state that after a thorough investigation of your species, you 12 steppers are the only sane decision makers to be found on this rock.
On a mug from $18
On Zoom meetings, all program members in recovery are the same height.
On a mug from $18
Because he was still under 30 days in the program, no one had the heart to tell Bob that recovery was not magic and he will simply gets what he works for. But the rabbit was cute.
On a mug from $18
Enrique discovers that changing the theme from “LET’S PARTY!” to “LET’S AVOID SELF-MEDICATING” puts a bit of a damper on things.
On a mug from $18
Dear God, thank you for delivering my wife to the miracle of a recovery. Now, that she’s left me can you please replace her with a wealthy, 28 year old nymphomaniac who likes to cook chorizo?
On a mug from $18
Rick apologizes to his sponsor for rambling and then continues to ramble.
On a mug from $18
After most people bottom out, they choose to rise. Tony opted to travel sideways for a bit.
On a mug from $18
And the Academy Award goes to Samantha for her ability to turn a small, inconsequential problem into a full length, cataclysmic drama in under five minutes.
On a mug from $18
Not sure who you think you’re speaking to but the only ho you should be seeking is a ho lotta Higher Power.
On a mug from $18
After 18 hours of obsessive rumination that caused her to skip the gym, break her diet and call her sponsor with a tornado of tears, Cindy finally comes up with the witty line she wish she would have said to that bitch Paula early yesterday morning. HA-HA, WHO’S LAUGHING NOW!
On a mug from $18
How dare you call me delusional when you know damn well my head is chock full of irrational, psychotic, self-absorbed ideas.
On a mug from $18
I’m new to all this Step 11 stuff and not really sure how it works, but can you please just remove the lows, keep the highs and we’ll all keep marching happily along?
On a mug from $18
It’s not a relapse, Sarah. I’m just doing more research to better understand my disease.
On a mug from $18
Tim and John wonder whether allowing Mitch to greet the newcomers is really the best idea.
On a mug from $18
Collin wonders if his probation officer means orange like the fruit or orange like the color, and the tab of acid he took is not helping whatsoever.
On a mug from $18
Chili dogs at meetings? Why not, thought Al. As the literature says, this gas too shall pass.
On a mug from $18
Yes, even without reading your medical charts I am confident in my diagnosis, Jim. For goodness sakes, you brought a beer to your doctor’s appointment.
On a mug from $18
So I just discovered this hack where blaming my sponsor for not fixing my character defects scores me wicked, sweet points with Higher Power.
On a mug from $18
When the treatment center director falls off the wagon, everyone falls off the wagon.
On a mug from $18
No! You are not allowed to break the unwritten rules of our relationship that you never agreed to in the first place.
On a mug from $18
When it comes to dating in recovery, I’ll put it like this: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
On a mug from $18
As dad explains that the real reason Mom left was because of Timmy and Frank, somewhere in the future a rehab center preps two beds.
On a mug from $18
They say humor lowers cortisol which is why as your sponsor when I mock you, my sarcasm is really a healing tonic.
On a mug from $18
Instead of me trying to do the best I can I think about how I can do the worst I can and then do the opposite. Pathetic, yes. But it works.
On a mug from $18
Cyndi,I need to be frank with you. Your blood work is great, your vitals are normal and your charts look fine. But unfortunately, you have an incurable case of being a mortal human so go home, relax and try to have some fun before you inevitably die.
On a mug from $18
Now that we’re both sober, can’t we just agree there is no real reason for us to remain friends?
On a mug from $18
Honey, I might appear to be a wise old sage when it comes to helping other people but when it comes to me counseling me, I’m just as fucked as the rest of us.
On a mug from $18
Some people say I smoke too much pot but I prefer to view it as outsourcing my emotional safety to a familiar and trusted support system.
On a mug from $18
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
On a mug from $18
Denial Patterns: when Bob passes gas and the meeting continues on as if no one can smell a thing.
On a mug from $18
For no other reason than to keep the group engaged and attentively listening, Katie began her share with a trigger warning.
On a mug from $18
Maybe it was the neckline, maybe it was the material, or maybe it was simply the greatly improved self-esteem that came from regularly attending 12 Step meetings. But no matter what it was, Janet loved the way t-shirts with recovery slogans on them made her tits feel perky again.
On a mug from $18
Jay felt it more than a little ironic that the LBGTQ+ 12 Step meeting preached inclusivity yet demonized straight people. Yet of course he didn’t say anything because he didn’t dare risk being blackballed from a fellowship where they served such fantastic scones.
On a mug from $18
James explains to Sally that she can either expect him to be a positive and supportive member of this 12 Step group or pass a drug test… but she can’t have both.
On a mug from $18
Yo, Higher Power… what’s with this Step 11 bullshit? Can’t you just text me, bro?
On a mug from $18
I’m looking for a husband who follows the no cross-talk rule.
On a mug from $18
Instead of heading to a meeting, Jack fills out his online dating profile.
On a mug from $18
“To be honest, I’m more of a breaker than a fixer but if you want me to sponsor you, hey… it’s your soul.”
On a mug from $18
Even though Thomas was still in his pajamas, his addiction was fully dressed and ready for the day.
On a mug from $18
No one wanted to ask the million dollar question: Had coffee become their group’s Higher Power?
On a mug from $18
You know when you open the fridge over and over expecting to find something different but you never do? Yeah, that’s me with booze, blow, porn, debt, and any sort of personal responsibility.
On a mug from $18
Since I joined the program on February 29 of a Leap Year technically, I only have to do Steps 1, 4, 8 and 12.
On a mug from $18
Tina prided herself on making sure her shares followed the strong narrative arc of a three-act structure.
On a mug from $18
We like to seat gentlemen like yourselves together. Prevents this place from becoming a haunt for “slippers” if you know what I mean.
On a mug from $18
Not satisfied with just laying into me, my mom turned her attention towards ripping my Higher Power a new asshole.
On a mug from $18
After Santa got sober, he became quite a different gift giver.
On a mug from $18
Tony knew the most important person in the room was the newcomer, but if this “It’s my first meeting, how’s my hair?” girl suddenly found a different night of the week for recovery, he wouldn’t really mind that much.
On a mug from $18
Boys, can’t we just pretend for one evening that I’m not traumatizing you.
On a mug from $18
“Sure, after last night’s shit show and today’s shame shower, I definitely considered joining. But I have a feeling a 12 step program would get in the way of my irresponsibilities.”
On a mug from $18
Well, of course my addiction is rooted in childhood sadness. I come from a family of clowns.
On a mug from $18
With a snout like this, you would think I could have foreseen that becoming a cocaine addict would prove to be more expensive than I could afford on a mere circus salary. They literally pay peanuts.
On a mug from $18
Hi, my name is Rudolph R. and now that the holidays are here, I am just trying to take it one hoof at a time.
On a mug from $18
If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, does that mean the therapist of my therapist is my qualifier?
On a mug from $18
If you want to know the truth about my addiction, Stan, I think it stems from the idea that for my entire life I’ve just felt like a fish out of water.
On a mug from $18
Not gonna lie, now that I am sober getting high off of fresh powder has a whole new meaning.
On a mug from $18
I know Step 11 says I can increase my connection to Higher Power through meditation but I’m really plagued by monkey mind.
On a mug from $18
I know as a dove I’m supposed to represent peace, love and goodwill on earth but sometimes, I just wanna do tequila shots and fuck shit up.
On a mug from $18
The good news is, I found a 12 step program that is really going to help. The bad news is, we’re no longer going to be able to fuck like rabbits.
On a mug from $18
Because his recovery program encourages rigorous honesty, Randy confirms that yes, he is indeed selling his grandmother’s toaster for drug money and rock bottom might very well be soon on the horizon.
On a mug from $18
Tom logs into the wrong Zoom meeting and the Oak Park PTA forevermore mandates passwords.
On a mug from $18
Paul, having only just heard about the concept of 13th stepping the night before, completely misreads the room.
On a mug from $18
Jim’s marriage had no love, no sex, and no joy but at least there were homemade pancakes. And then he discovered this.
On a mug from $18
“Well, after looking up this situation up in my HOW TO BE A GREAT PARENT GUIDEBOOK, it seems like we have two options, Timmy. Either I can point out what a piece of shit you are or you can begin explaining it to me?”
On a mug from $18
Even though Lorena tried to keep reminding herself about the rule of “principles over personalities,” she couldn’t shake the feeling that the some of the folks in her Wednesday night group were simply batshit crazy.
On a mug from $18
The best day of Stanley K.’s life was the afternoon he lost his job, his wife, his home and his mistress all in the same 3 hour stretch. He just wouldn’t come to realize it for a few years.
On a mug from $18
Louise loves the serenity prayer so much she seeks to etch it onto her husband’s face.
On a mug from $18
The Women’s Only meeting started off well enough until Joanna P. decided to use smarm, cross-talk and Sally K’s last name.
On a mug from $18
What Higher Power sees when addicts seek the council of other addicts instead of sponsors, prayer or meditation.
On a mug from $18
Edwin knew his serenity was derived from his Higher Power… but having an ironclad pre-nup didn’t hurt either.
On a mug from $18
Not to knock the program, but I’d be much happier with the Serenity Prayer if I could change the things I cannot accept.
On a mug from $18
Ralph’s first meeting with his inner child and boy-oh-boy does Lil’ Ralphie have something to say.
On a mug from $18
God, we pray for you to remove the negative, bitter, endlessly critical judgements from the heart of that scumsucking dirtbag, Jesse.
On a mug from $18
Brenda suddenly realizes doing a 4th step will not be a 30 minute activity.
On a mug from $18
Chuck’s first day of mirror work starts right about where his sponsor expected it would.
On a mug from $18
Looking for a sign about whether it was finally time to go to a meeting, Jim finds bread in a hardware store.
On a mug from $18
Lois eagerly dives into Step 4 doing a searching and fearless moral inventory of everybody else.
On a mug from $18
I’m looking to date a man who follows the no cross-talk rule.
On a mug from $18
Zoom bomber identities that ought to have been intercepted before they attempted to hijack the online meeting.
On a mug from $18
After our longitudinal study on your proclivities, pursuits and personality by a team of PhD’s we have arrived at a consensus. The problem is, you’re an asshole.
On a mug from $18
As tonight’s leader and trusted servant, I propose we start this meeting with a group conscience about whether or not we’re going to allow so many of us to cross our legs.
On a mug from $18
I am not really trying to carry a message of experience, strength and hope anymore. Instead, what’s best for me is if I just ram it down other people’s throats.
On a mug from $18
How do I know if a sponsor is not right for me? When his favorite part of the program is the 13th step.
On a mug from $18
After three years of Thursday night meetings, Norman finally fessed up that he’d been secretly live-streaming their recovery since day one and was happy to report the group had just crossed the 1 million subscriber mark.
On a mug from $18
As Ron gets ready to share, his reputation for ignoring gentle reminders precedes him.
On a mug from $18
A never-before-seen picture of my dad in the studio recording my inner child’s dysfunctional, self-loathing narrative.
On a mug from $18
Candice prepares to humbly ask God to remove her shortcomings.
On a mug from $18
Cyndi and Tom discuss the gentle, loving nature of their Higher Power.
On a mug from $18
If I promise to let go of my resentments, you’ll make that bitch pay, right?
On a mug from $18
Hal K. forgot the literature. Pam C. forgot the coffee. Ted G. forgot the treasurer’s report. Suddenly and all at once, the Tuesday night meeting doubted the existence of a Higher Power.
On a mug from $18
Stan discovers that Recovery Jeopardy has a lot more categories than the regular tv version.
On a mug from $18
Don’t look at it as if your sponsor is about to hang up on you. View it as if sometimes I like to help people by allowing them to help themselves.
On a mug from $18
Jill and Fred were proud that they didn’t play favorites. Each of their children were shamed equally.
On a mug from $18
God, grant me the serenity that comes with having a good hair day.
On a mug from $18
Attending just his second meeting, Tom wanted to make sure this group remained fully self-supporting.
On a mug from $18
Is it cross-talk if I tell Cindy she is a selfish, immature, narcissistic moron?
On a mug from $18
Dear God, thank you for delivering my husband to the miracle of a Twelve Step program. Now, about all that recovery jargon…
On a mug from $18
Nothing made Marisol feel more connected to her husband than when Roger offered unsolicited advice.
On a mug from $18
Instead of heading to a meeting, Jack fills out his online dating profile.
On a mug from $18
Even though Thomas was still in his pajamas, his addiction was fully dressed and ready for the day.
On a mug from $18
